My Wish
by xLabyrinthine
Summary: I wish I knew what love is. If I knew, I would definitely love you. Read warnings inside!


Warnings: Character deaths, some mild swearing, angst, spoilers, some very brief and mild mentions of sexual violence and some mild violence.

My notes: Pairings are Zexion and Lexaeus. Mentions of some brief Zexion and Vexen, and one-sided Zexion and Demyx. A kind of sad story, because we all know there is no happy ending for the Nobodies of the Castle That Never Was.

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><p>Zexion liked simple things. He liked things he could analyze and study, things that he could find an answer to. One single, true answer. He did not like mysteries with several, or no, solution. And that is why Lexaeus's actions upset him so. There was no clear purpose, no answer that Zexion could find.<p>

Number five. That giant of a man always seemed to pop up. Ever silent, he would trail Zexion as he walked around the castle, deep in thought. But that didn't mean he did not notice his stalker. He had also let Lexaeus know that he knew about his stalking. Didn't change a thing. That big brute would only shrug his broad shoulders as Zexion tried to confront him, and the schemer would end up leaving in a huff, with that man still trailing him and few steps behind. He could lose him easily enough, of course. A few illusions here, a few illusions there and the big man lost sight of him. But then he would simply walk around the Castle That Never Was until he found the purple-haired boy again. And Zexion refused to hide; never would he avoid going somewhere over that imbecile! Never would that brute hinder him!

He tried to think up any reason for the stalking, since Lexaeus seemed to refuse to confess any reason. He tried to be logical, but he could feel his paranoia getting the best of him. He must want something, but what? What could he possibly have that he would want? And what could he possibly have that the big man could not take by force, instead of stalking him? He only had his books, his beloved books, his cloaks and an empty room with a single bed in it. What was there to steal there? The silent hero didn't seem to intend to kill him either, with his big weapon and strength he could have done so ages ago. When it came to physical strength, the schemer inside of Zexion knew he would lose, very quickly.

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><p>But one day it changed. Zexion got into a battle of words with Axel. Over something stupid of course, but it was always fun to argue with Axel, to see him grow frustrated as he lost the witty battle. But the red-head had a temper as fierce as his hair, and he summoned his weapons and charged at Zexion knocking him down on the floor. But Zexion didn't even manage to summon any illusions or magic, as Axel's fiery chakrams clashed with a giant tomahawk. Narrowed blue eyes met wide green ones.<p>

"Leave." Lexaeus said darkly. "Leave or I will kill you, eight."

Axel visibly swallowed, before stepping back. He may be hot-headed, but he was, despite Zexion's insults, no fool. He quickly summoned a dark corridor and left the scene.

Lexaeus turned to Zexion, who was still sitting on the floor, surprised by this turn of events. Lexaeus walked over to Zexion, offering one of his big hands to the boy. He didn't accept. Instead, Zexion stood by himself, casting a distrustful look at Lexaeus.

"I do not need your protection, five." he sneered. And with an arrogant snort in Lexaeus direction he left. Lexaeus silently followed.

Zexion headed to his room and walked into it, and for good measure, locked the door tightly behind him. Who knows what that brute might do next? Follow him into his room as well didn't seem too unlikely all of a sudden. He picked up his favorite book from one of his many stacks of literature and curled up on his bed, reading the rest of the day away. He also did his best to sort his thoughts out. What did this all mean? Lexaeus stalking and his protection against Axel? Perhaps, the big man still viewed him as the child he had been while they lived in Radiant Garden, perhaps he had some memories of feeling protective of his childhood self? Maybe. It was at the moment the best theory Zexion could come up with.

He could of course discuss the matter with Vexen… No, that thought made his entire being crawl. He did not want to speak with that man unless it was absolutely necessary. And this situation didn't seem dire. Lexaeus hadn't actually harmed him in any way. Yet. His paranoia clawed at him, but he ignored it for the moment and curled up under his blanket and fell asleep.

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><p>Zexion awoke from his slumber a couple of hours later. In the corridor he could hear the muffled, but still heavy steps of number five. Zexion felt the irritation tear at him. He flew up from his bed and threw the door open.<p>

"What do you want?" he snarled. "Are you guarding my room now? Go away, I promise I will not leave my room until morning, so there is no need to check it! Leave!"

"I'm not keeping you inside. I'm keeping others out." Lexaeus stated simply.

This silenced Zexion for a minute or so as he studied the man. Lexaeus meet his eyes with calmness.

"Then come in." Zexion said eventually, but reluctantly. "Don't stand around in the corridor like that."

Lexaeus simply nodded, and entered the small boy's room. Zexion closed and locked the door behind him. Zexion removed his cloak, which he had fallen asleep in, now only wearing the black pants he wore under it and a white tank top. With one last glance at Lexaeus, Zexion slipped under the covers again and quickly fell asleep. Lexaeus, ever silent, simply leaned against one of the walls and watched over the small boy as he slept.

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><p>When Zexion woke up, Lexaeus was still there. Still leaning against the wall, awake, as if he hadn't moved at all during the night. Zexion gave him a sour look before disappearing into his bathroom to shower and take care of some business. Done, he returned to the bedroom and put on his coat again.<p>

"Vexen was here tonight." Lexaeus then said, in his ever so calm voice.

Zexion felt shivers go down his back, but managed not to show it. "And what did he want?" he asked, irritation evident in his voice.

"I don't know." Lexaeus answered honestly. "I told him to leave. He got mad and left. I don't think he liked me being here. He told you to go to his lab and meet him there today."

"As if I would ever enter that place by choice again." Zexion muttered as he walked out of the door, Lexaeus trailing him, but the big man chose not to reply to the muttering.

Zexion didn't care. Instead he went to the kitchen. At the kitchen table sat Demyx and Axel, eating toast and cereals. They waved at Zexion in a relaxed manner, but froze in the middle of the wave as Lexaeus big form filled the door behind Zexion. It was no secret that they both were greatly intimidated by and feared the huge man. Zexion sourly nodded back at them before grabbing one of Demyx toasts and sitting down. Lexaeus silently leaned against the counter. He no longer seemed to think it necessary to stay out of the rooms Zexion dwelled in, standing outside in the a corridor anymore. Now he seemed to follow Zexion into the rooms instead. Zexion couldn't help but to wonder if letting the man inside his bedroom had been a mistake… Never mind. It was too late to change now.

Axel swallowed lightly, before asking Zexion;

"Why is he with you?" he mumbled to Zexion.

"I don't know." he muttered back.

"But hey, Zexy, we're cool, right?" Axel answered nervously, not wanting his head to meet that giant tomahawk. "You know I was just kidding yesterday, right?"

"My name is Zexion, not Zexy, number eight." Zexion snarled. "Oh, how I hate that stupid nickname of Demyx!"

Demyx giggled, before snorting loudly; he had gotten milk up his nose by his laughter. "Sorry." he said, wiping his face with his sleeve.

Zexion merely rolled his eyes at the display. "Never mind." he said. "Have you gotten your assignments for the day?" he then asked the two Nobodies at the table.

"No, old man said we got today and tomorrow off for some reason or another." Axel said, and leaned back in his chair in a relaxed manner now that Zexion didn't seem very upset about the fight the day before, and Lexaeus hadn't moved an inch since entering the room. He put his hands behind his head and asked;

"Demyx and I were thinking about hitting the beach. Want to join?"

Zexion snorted. "Oh, I would LOVE to, but unfortunately I am busy with some research right now." he said in a sarcastic voice.

"Right." Axel answered. "You always are."

Despite the fight yesterday, Axel and Demyx are the two only Nobodies of the castle that he sometimes hung out with and talked to in a relaxed way. Maybe it had something to do with their ages.

Axel got up and left the table, and exited through the door. "Remember Demyx, we'll meet in the Grey Room in 2 hours. Don't forget your swimming trunks!" he said in his self confident way, before disappearing into a dark corridor. Despite his cocky way, he had taken quite a large circle around Lexaeus as he left the room. Better not tempt fate, the Flurry of Dancing Flames thought.

This left Zexion and Demyx alone at the table, with Lexaeus still leaning against the counter.

"Have you… given it any thought?" Demyx asked nervously, twisting his hands in his lap. "About what I told you?"

"I don't need time to think about it." Zexion answered, his voice hard. "My answer is the same. It is ridiculous and I refuse to play along with your memories of feelings."

"But I do have feelings!" Demyx replied heatedly. "And I do… like you Zexion." Demyx then said in a downcast voice. "Please… Can't you give me a chance to prove you wrong at least?"

"Number nine." Zexion said. "Even if I had a heart, even if I could feel, I would not go out with you."

Tears welled up in Demyx blue eyes. "Oh..." Demyx said quietly.

Zexion got up from his chair and silently left the room. How annoying. Fighting with Axel, fake emotions directed at him from Demyx, Lexaeus stalking… Why couldn't his life as a Nobody be easy? And the worst part was that he knew that the same confession, and rejection, would play itself out again the next time he met Demyx. That blonde never seemed to give up, no matter how harshly Zexion shot him down. Lexaeus silently trailed him down the corridor as Zexion restlessly walked around the castle.

"Number six." A somewhat nasal voice sounded to Zexion's right. He wiped all his irritation of his face and turned to the pale, blonde man.

"Number four." Zexion replied with an emotionless voice. "What there something you wished to discuss with me earlier?" he asked in a mocking voice.

"You little brat." Vexen said with an irritated voice. "Don't think I won't…" As he stepped forward, he didn't get into Zexion face, as he had expected, instead he gazed into a broad, black clad chest. Lexaeus had stepped in between them. Vexen gazed up, and up some more, to meet the Silent Hero's cold eyes.

Vexen withdrew a few steps, coldly studying Lexaeus. "I don't know what you are playing at, little Ienzo, but don't think I won't find it out eventually."

Zexion snarled at the use of his Somebody's name, but didn't charge at Vexen as the Chilly Academic walked away. Instead he turned around, continuing his restless wandering, Lexaeus following him silently. Vexen was growing to be a problem, as well. And suddenly the problem with Lexaeus stalking didn't seem too problematic anymore. He had protected him twice by now, after all. He led them both to his room and opened the door. Once inside, he settled on the bed with his reports as Lexaeus leaned against the same wall as before.

The day passed in silence. Zexion even forgot for some moments that Lexaeus was in the room. "That's not good." he thought. "I should always be vigilant and ready…" his paranoia told him.

By dinnertime, Zexion left his room with Lexaeus and headed to the kitchen. Thankfully, it was empty. That was good, because he didn't want another confrontation with either Axel, Demyx or Vexen even though he now had a bodyguard, apparently. He and Lexaeus quickly ate some leftovers from the dinner last night before they headed back to Zexion's room. They both entered.

Lexaeus leaned against the wall again as Zexion disappeared into the bathroom. The schemer then curled up under his blanket, quickly drifting off, thinking about the research reports he had written earlier. He couldn't help his flinch as the bed suddenly dipped as a heavy body settled on it. He rolled over and stared at Lexaeus with unbelieving eyes as the big man carefully lay down on the bed. Lexaeus stared back with his ever so calm eyes.

Zexion really felt too tired to argue or throw the brute out of his bed or room, and simply turned over again and put his back to his uninvited bedmate. But when he felt the bigger man spoon him, he elbowed him in the stomach in warning, and Lexaeus backed off a bit, lying on his side of the bed, not touching the smaller boy anymore.

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><p>The next day was… interesting. Now that Zexion was well rested, he didn't really know how to deal with his uninvited bedmate. In the end, he simply chose to ignore him, and crawled over the big man and entered the bathroom, carefully locking so that he would not invite himself to his shower or anything like that.<p>

When he got out of the shower and entered the bedroom again, Lexaeus had gotten up from bed and were leaning against the wall, waiting for Zexion in silence.

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><p>And so it continued. Even when their two days of break was up, and the missions started up again, Lexaeus continued to stalk him everywhere he went, and slept in his bed at night. The other members of the Organization had started to notice, to Zexion's chagrin. Xigbar and Axel both relentlessly teased him when they met, and Demyx looked heart broken when they saw each other. Zexion didn't bother to correct them; he did not wish to stoop to their pitiful level. They were not in a relationship or anything, but he knew that if he tried to deny it, they would only tease more, calling him shy or something.<p>

Having the other members thinking them as a couple had it perks, as well. No one had picked a fight with him for weeks now, not even hot-headed Axel or the ever so sadistic Larxene. They all feared the Silent Hero too much to do so, seeing how protective he was over Zexion. It had some other perks too. Zexion never had neither strength nor height. But now he did. In the library, which he spent much time in, Lexaeus easily reached even the highest shelves, and he carried more books than Zexion could dream about transporting himself. At least the brute had some use.

Their nonexistent life flowed on like usual. Some meaningless missions, some research, a few days off. Everything seemed so dull to Zexion.

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><p>At night they lay in Zexion's bed in comfortable silence. Lexaeus continued to try to spoon the smaller male every night, and some nights Zexion even allowed him. It felt somewhat nice even; the big man's body was warm and his hands gentle. His hands were big and warm with thick fingers. Not thin, bony and cold as… No, better not stray there. Better not think about… that.<p>

They rested in each other's arms every night, every night almost as a copy of that before. But even that changed eventually. One night Zexion felt one of the big hands slip under his tank top. He shuddered and pulled it out.

"No." he said quietly. "Not that. Never that."

And Lexaeus just held him close with his strong arms, not asking any questions. That night also brought another change to their usual routine. Lexaeus whispered three little words into his ear;

"I love you."

Zexion didn't scoff, or taunt the man about false and faked emotions. He simply laid there in the embrace, silent. Eventually, he fell asleep.

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><p>The day after that Lexaeus had changed their set routine Zexion spent the day pacing restlessly around the castle, the big, silent man always a step behind. They didn't exchange any words. When Zexion finally settled down and went to the library to pick up some books to bring to his room for research the man wordlessly took them from his thin arms and carried them for him. Zexion felt confused. Lexaeus actions no longer brought him frustration or irritation, or smug satisfaction. He simply felt… confused.<p>

Those words… Those three simple words. What did they mean? He knew that those were words that couples and lovers exchanged to show devoting and loyalty, but he didn't understand the meaning behind them, the emotion. But that could be explained by the fact that he was a Nobody. And yet Lexaeus claimed to feel that, and had said those words to him. And strangely the normally mistrusting, paranoid and suspicious Zexion believed him. He just couldn't figure it out.

As they lay in bed that night, the night before repeated itself. A hand slipped under his shirt to rest on his flat stomach, and he let it. He rested in that strong embrace and felt nothing. Those three words were whispered into his ears, and he felt nothing. But tonight he replied to the bigger male's words;

"I wish I knew what love is." he whispered, and Lexaeus hugged him closer.

They both fell asleep, warm and safe in their mutual embrace, Lexaeus hand still resting on Zexion's stomach.

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><p>The day after that turned out to be more interesting than their usual dull nonexistence.<p>

Saïx passed about half of the Organization a new assignment, to go to Castle Oblivion and meet with the Keyblader and try to get him over to their side, with promises or force. Zexion eagerly accepted the assignment, and when he glanced at Lexaeus he looked pleased by the fact that he was to be sent on the same assignment. It made Zexion feel weird that he so easily could read that expressionless face now.

And when they came back, Zexion thought, maybe, just maybe, he could try his best to try to feel something for the man. Perhaps, he too could one day feel that strange thing called love.

Lexaeus suddenly looked at him, and the Silent Hero's eyes suddenly got a really shocked look in them as he stared at Zexion. Why?

Suddenly Zexion realized. He was smiling, a tiny, but actual smile. He quickly removed it from his face, replacing it quickly with an emotionless mask. But Lexaeus had seen it, and the usually stone faced man felt a little smile appear at his own face in response.

Yes, Zexion thought, as soon as they got back from Castle Oblivion, he would talk with Lexaeus about it, and he would ask the bigger male to teach him about love.

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><p>Only days later he was dying. He was fading away in that damnable white castle of nothingness, and his almost lover was long gone already. Lexaeus… Aeleus… All these things that could have been… As the cloaked schemer ceased to exist a last thought passed his mind;<p>

"I wish I knew what love is. If I knew, I would definitely love you."


End file.
